So... what's the point of getting outta bed in the morning?

"I tell myself I bear witness. But the real answer is that it's obviously my programming. And I lack the constitution for suicide."

                                                                    - Detective Rust Cohle, True Detective 

 I am completely inconsequential, dead or alive.

What happened to me?

I do not like what I see in the mirror.

I feel completely hopeless.

untitled poem by Yosano Akiko, translated by Kenneth Rexroth

Come at last to this point

I look back on my passion
And realize that I
Have been like a blind man
Who is unafraid of the dark.

the unmaking

I have never felt more alone.

I wish that my sister or my friends or my boyfriend understood me.

I wish that I understood them.

I am unraveling and I cannot reverse the process.

I cannot stop it.

I can only watch.

As I, a person who was never made to begin with, am unmade.

Also, this album is good. 

in heaven

My father died when I was 21. I am almost 30 now. Next year will mark 10 years without him. I don't think I ever truly let myself grieve. None of us (my sister, my brother, and I) truly did. We swallowed the tears, the pain, the sadness, the longing, and the dreams. We make jokes. We change topics. But by being born, we "came for the long haul," and we are now "empty fucking hole(s)."

I remember my father's coworker meeting us outside of his hospital bedroom. He did not say hi or nice to meet you.

The first time his coworker saw us, through tears, he said,

"He was so proud of you."

oh do you believe in heaven

like you believed in me?

albums i listened to today 2/10/2022

Artist: Gesaffelstein

Album: Conspiracy Pt. II

Genre(s): electronic, midtempo bass, industrial techno

Gesaffelstein is a recent discovery. He makes some very dark, industrial-tinged electronic music - which is right up my alley. 

I've had this EP on repeat for a while, and it's a nice, easy 3 song listen. Opr is the standout for sure. Siren-like horns blare from the onset and are unrelenting until the end. It gives the song a claustrophobic and impatient feel.

Recommended track (s): Opr, but seriously the whole EP is excellent.  

Artist: Akemi Kakihara

Album: LOVE

Genre(s): pop, r&b

Here is a very sweet if very derivative album. I randomly found it while making one of my playlists for Melissa.

Akemi's voice has a nice airy quality that fits the soft r&b vibe of the album. 

There is not really much to say - if you liked the sweet, syrupy, generic r&b pop of the early 2000s, give this a shot!

Recommended track (s): say that you love me, @my best

a long funeral for a dying world

Artist: Oliva Block

Album: Innocent Passage Through the Territorial Sea

Genre(s): ambient, avantgarde, abstract, electronic

After the frankly, very difficult listen to Heave To, I wasn't sure I wanted to experience another Olivia Block album, as much as I am impressed with her and admire her. However, Heave To stuck with me, and it made me want to figure out the artist. So I gave her newest album a listen, and I'm glad I did.

it was always you

when the universe was created

we were two stars

lost at sea

Artist: Oliva Block

Album: Heave To 

Genre(s): ambient, avantgarde, abstract, wtf

I appreciate this album a little bit more each time I try to finish it. The key word is try. I still haven't yet. For me at least, it is always a difficult listen. But I want to finish it because I think the atmosphere and presentation are insanely immersive. Perhaps that is why I can't finish it. Much like a boat in the middle of the sea, I am completely surrounded by waves of noises and cold intensity. It feels like drowning. The sounds are frigid and unforgiving and indifferent - devoid of any warmth, much like a stormy sea. Whether this is good or bad or if I like it or not is kinda moot here. I don't think that is the artist's intention to make something that is enjoyable to listen to - rather it is her intent to present the feeling of being at sea, being surrounded by powerful waves, icy air, and your own loneliness.

EDIT: FINALLY FINISHED THIS JESUS.

roadtrip to the end of the world

A rare review from me. Even rarer that it is a music review. I don't really like to write about music too much because I'm not musically inclined myself - despite all the music I consume. It's rather difficult for me to articulate the myriad of emotions and sensations I feel as I'm listening to a song. Also, believe it or not, I'm not in the habit of trying to quantify the "goodness" of any piece of art or media. As much as I can, I try to evaluate works on their terms and on how well they achieve their objective without involving too much of my own personal biases. Easier said than done. WITH THAT BEING SAID, let's get on to this review, shall we?

sugar cane, sugar