Wednesday, March 9, 2022

a history of hauntings pt 1

As emotional as I may seem to people, I am a fairly logical person.

I always defer to established facts and science, even for phenomena that might seem illogical at first glance.

When Melissa and I were discussing paranormal experiences a few weeks ago, I told her, truthfully, that I never had any.

Because I don't believe in the paranormal or spiritual world.

To me, any paranormal experience can be explained away by science. 

Seeing faces in the shadows? Pareidolia.

Hearing voices? Audio hallucinations.

Demonic possession? Mental illness.

Still, even though I can rationalize these experiences away, it doesn't make them any less unnerving. And to some people, I may even appear "haunted." And with the frequency I have experienced creepy shit, I can understand why.

So, I present to you, my history of "hauntings."

Thursday, February 17, 2022

So... what's the point of getting outta bed in the morning?

"I tell myself I bear witness. But the real answer is that it's obviously my programming. And I lack the constitution for suicide."

                                                                    - Detective Rust Cohle, True Detective 


 I am completely inconsequential, dead or alive.

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

What happened to me?

I do not like what I see in the mirror.

I feel completely hopeless.

Monday, February 14, 2022

untitled poem by Yosano Akiko, translated by Kenneth Rexroth

Come at last to this point
I look back on my passion
And realize that I
Have been like a blind man
Who is unafraid of the dark.

Friday, February 11, 2022

the unmaking

I have never felt more alone.

I wish that my sister or my friends or my boyfriend understood me.

I wish that I understood them.

I am unraveling and I cannot reverse the process.

I cannot stop it.

I can only watch.

As I, a person who was never made to begin with, am unmade.

Also, this album is good. 

Thursday, February 10, 2022

in heaven


My father died when I was 21. I am almost 30 now. Next year will mark 10 years without him. I don't think I ever truly let myself grieve. None of us (my sister, my brother, and I) truly did. We swallowed the tears, the pain, the sadness, the longing, and the dreams. We make jokes. We change topics. But by being born, we "came for the long haul," and we are now "empty fucking hole(s)."

I remember my father's coworker meeting us outside of his hospital bedroom. He did not say hi or nice to meet you.

The first time his coworker saw us, through tears, he said,

"He was so proud of you."

oh do you believe in heaven
like you believed in me?

albums i listened to today 2/10/2022

Wednesday, February 9, 2022


Artist: Gesaffelstein
Album: Conspiracy Pt. II
Genre(s): electronic, midtempo bass, industrial techno

Gesaffelstein is a recent discovery. He makes some very dark, industrial-tinged electronic music - which is right up my alley. 

I've had this EP on repeat for a while, and it's a nice, easy 3 song listen. Opr is the standout for sure. Siren-like horns blare from the onset and are unrelenting until the end. It gives the song a claustrophobic and impatient feel.

Recommended track (s): Opr, but seriously the whole EP is excellent.  

Tuesday, February 8, 2022


Artist: Akemi Kakihara
Album: LOVE
Genre(s): pop, r&b

Here is a very sweet if very derivative album. I randomly found it while making one of my playlists for Melissa.

Akemi's voice has a nice airy quality that fits the soft r&b vibe of the album. 

There is not really much to say - if you liked the sweet, syrupy, generic r&b pop of the early 2000s, give this a shot!

Recommended track (s): say that you love me, @my best

Saturday, February 5, 2022

a long funeral for a dying world


Artist: Oliva Block
Album: Innocent Passage Through the Territorial Sea
Genre(s): ambient, avantgarde, abstract, electronic

After the frankly, very difficult listen to Heave To, I wasn't sure I wanted to experience another Olivia Block album, as much as I am impressed with her and admire her. However, Heave To stuck with me, and it made me want to figure out the artist. So I gave her newest album a listen, and I'm glad I did.

Friday, February 4, 2022

Thursday, February 3, 2022

lost at sea


Artist: Oliva Block
Album: Heave To 
Genre(s): ambient, avantgarde, abstract, wtf

I appreciate this album a little bit more each time I try to finish it. The key word is try. I still haven't yet. For me at least, it is always a difficult listen. But I want to finish it because I think the atmosphere and presentation are insanely immersive. Perhaps that is why I can't finish it. Much like a boat in the middle of the sea, I am completely surrounded by waves of noises and cold intensity. It feels like drowning. The sounds are frigid and unforgiving and indifferent - devoid of any warmth, much like a stormy sea. Whether this is good or bad or if I like it or not is kinda moot here. I don't think that is the artist's intention to make something that is enjoyable to listen to - rather it is her intent to present the feeling of being at sea, being surrounded by powerful waves, icy air, and your own loneliness.

EDIT: FINALLY FINISHED THIS JESUS.

roadtrip to the end of the world


A rare review from me. Even rarer that it is a music review. I don't really like to write about music too much because I'm not musically inclined myself - despite all the music I consume. It's rather difficult for me to articulate the myriad of emotions and sensations I feel as I'm listening to a song. Also, believe it or not, I'm not in the habit of trying to quantify the "goodness" of any piece of art or media. As much as I can, I try to evaluate works on their terms and on how well they achieve their objective without involving too much of my own personal biases. Easier said than done. WITH THAT BEING SAID, let's get on to this review, shall we?

Friday, January 7, 2022

Burn the Witch pt 1: Mandy (2018) TW: mentions of sexual abuse and death

 


Andrea Riseborough as the eponymous Mandy

Sometimes, I think existing as a woman is a death wish. I have faced sexual harassment starting from the age of 4. As a young girl and teenager, I had to endure it silently, in fear of retaliation if I defended myself. Around my early 20s, I grew tired of it all. I started to push back. I told men to fuck themselves. I gave them dirty looks and gave them the middle finger in response to their catcalls or pickup lines. Most men just called me a bitch, whore, whatever but some men took it further. They did not handle the rejection well. I've been followed, threatened with violence. I have been groped. I have been raped.

Isn't it sad that I'm relieved? 
Because at least they didn't kill me.

And that is the fate that befalls Mandy. She is walking home one day when she catches the attention of a cult leader as he is driving by in his van. He becomes immediately smitten and kidnaps her, believing she is the one, that she will complete him. She is his dream girl.

He plays her his folk music and dances naked in front of her as a means of seduction.
And she laughs.
And laughs.

She rejects him thoroughly. The dream girl becomes a mocking nightmare.
So he burns her. Literally. He kills her in one of the most horrific ways possible. All to soothe a bruised ego.

Because what are women to men, but witches that need to be burned?

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

poison comes in many forms - The Power of the Dog

 



I just finished watching Jane Campion's The Power of the Dog last night and it unsettled me to such an extent that it actually kept me up way past my bedtime - such was its strength. 

I initially wanted to write about wrath and the many forms it is represented in the film but then I realized that wrath is just another form of poison.

Phil Burbank is a man poisoned by his own self-hatred and self-isolation, due to his own homosexuality that he attempts to hide under a super machismo persona. He has become a bitter and abusive man. He takes out his self-hatred on all those around him, especially his beloved brother, and then later, his brother's newlywed wife, a widow named Rose, and Rose's son, Peter. 

When Rose and Peter move into the ranch where Phil and his brother reside, Phil's presence becomes a dangerous miasma to Rose - his toxic energy surrounds her.  She can feel his hatred and loathing even when he is not in the same room. When they are in the same room, the effects are debilitating to the wife - he mocks and belittles her, slowly tearing her down from a strong, independent mother to a shade of her former self. Rose copes with Phil's metaphorical poison with a literal one - she turns to alcohol to numb herself from Phil's attacks.

Seeing his mother deteriorate before his eyes, Peter decides to eliminate the problem that is causing her downfall - Phil.

However, despite being a western, Peter and Phil don't have a gunslinging shootout to resolve their problems. Phil is just as hostile to Peter as he is to Peter's mother - he mocks Peter for his effeminate manner and perceived weakness. His own repressed sexuality poisons his impression of Peter from the beginning. However, an unlikely friendship forms between the two, initiated by Peter. Phil attempts to make Peter a "man," and to not be made a "sissy" by Rose. He eventually becomes fond of Peter, even making him a rope. It is this rope that becomes Phil's downfall.

Unbeknownst to Phil, Peter intentionally supplied him with an anthrax-ridden hide to complete the rope. Phil's handling of the rope soon leads to him becoming ill and dying shortly thereafter. Peter poisons Phil in retaliation for Phil's abuse of Peter's mother. However, even before Peter handed Phil the diseased hide, Peter had slowly poisoned Phil with a promise of friendship. Peter lulled Phil into a sense of vulnerability, pretending to understand him and pretending to want to emulate him. The self-isolated Phil latched on to Peter, in a guise to fill the loneliness in his life, not knowing that Peter was plotting to kill him. 

Poison is ever-present in this film, in tangible and intangible forms. And as evidenced by Peter, the invisible poisons are the ones that can be the most harmful.

Light and Shadows, 1902 by Tyra Kleen

 

The true monster is always waiting in the darkness of the shadows.

Monday, January 3, 2022

prisons of our making - In the Mood for Love and Double Indemnity

Maggie Cheung as Su Li-zhen
Tony Leung as Chow Mo-wan

Fred MacMurray as Walter Neff

In the Mood for Love (2000) and Double Indemnity (1944) are two vastly different movies from different periods and cultures, with different stories and presentations but some things are just universal. For example, both films use shade and light to show the internal processes and emotions of our characters.

Maggie Cheung and Toney Leung play two would-be lovers, but they cannot act on their desires or love for each other due to the both of them being already married. Their love is not only unconsummated but it is also unspoken. They are bound and imprisoned by external circumstances to keep their love for each other contained and repressed as so beautifully illustrated in the above scene from the movie, where the shadows create an illusion of the two characters being trapped in a cage.

Walter Neff's story is not as romantic but just as tragic. Before he is wrapped up in the schemes of the  Phyllis, we see him bathed in the shadows cast by the windows. His suit is marked with stripes, mimicking a prison jumpsuit. This is a foreshadowing of his eventual spiral and downfall, from an innocent insurance agent to a murderer and most likely, to a be hauled off to a prison, a prison of his own making.

The Broken Column, 1944 by Frida Kahlo

Homage - Vince Staples

religious imagery in non religious movies pt 2. Exotica



Exotica
(1994) takes its title from the main location of the film, Exotica, an upscale strip club somewhere in Canada.

Unlike many strip clubs, in film or reality, Exotica is not a seedy or lurid place, it is opulent and luscious. It is an Eden-like garden, filled with beautiful women and dreamy promises. But like many things in this film, it is an easily shattered illusion, because just as easy it is to find paradise, it is even easier to lose it.

a history of hauntings pt 1

As emotional as I may seem to people, I am a fairly logical person. I always defer to established facts and science, even for phenomena that...